Butterflies

Some have looked at me the way you are looking at me right now. They either give me the jitters, or I barely notice them.

That gaze, it never fails to make me feel uncomfortable.

But yours, only you and your eyes, have the magic to make the butterflies flap their wings once again, and send them flying almost to heaven.

Can you see them in my eyes, my dear? Or is it hers that you see now?

And all I could do is just blurt out silly things that come up in my mind like a little girl.

I do not want you to see the butterflies, simply because I am unsure of what is going on right now. It had been too long; these butterflies have been standing still for too long a time, and they have forgotten what is up and what is down; what is left and what is right.

I do not know whether what I feel now is what I am supposed to feel. Moreover, I do not know about you.

You are not entirely an enigma, but I do not understand you deep enough to be able to pinpoint exactly your mind and heart’s whereabouts.

Are you thinking of her when you look at me that way? Do you always want to call out her name when you see me? Does my hair remind you of her?

Whose face forms inside your mind now, darling?

I have no rights whatsoever to question you. I can only sit down behind my desk, my diary open to today’s date, and twirl an imaginary rose of infinite petals.

It’s me, it’s not me; it’s me, it’s not me…

These butterflies, they are dangerous.

I am sorry. Before I can be sure that every of these are not just a beautiful mirage, I have to protect myself from the cliff, from you, from myself.

You have wonderful lips, my dear, but I can’t place my trust on them.

3/1/09 Sat
1339

Dear Jo,

Hi, how have you been lately? I am fine, thank you very much! (I'll just assume you asked.)

You do not seem as enthusiastic about your college, or was it because we did not have the chance to talk?

Ah, well.

Oh, yeah, school's been fun. (Again, I assume you asked.) Friends, well, I'm not sure whether I have any yet - I seem to get fussier day by day - but yes, I have been laughing and smiling.

I still compare.

And sometimes, I just think of what had happened for the last two years.

Time flies, ain't it? It flies so fast that we were unable to catch up with it. We might not be soaked in memories, but we are still dripping in them.

Yes. I still miss the good ole' times we (used to) have.

There are many, many special, ordinary things that have happened to me, and some are related to your - our - favourite subject.

Ah, boys!

Eh, no, I ain't showing off, I'm just self-indulgent, haha.

Of course, I do not tell you about them, mainly because I do not remember them at the time of our conversations. (No, my dear Jo; I do not have a crush, nor are they cute, exterior-wise.)

For so many times, I wish to bring you and Waning along to my school. We'll sit at the third row, not paying attention to the teachers as we chat, laugh, sing, joke the day away, and then take the LRT to KLCC and be crazy.

Oh, how I miss our insanity, our naïveté, us.

I no longer feel depressed. I am happy, I think. I hope you are, too, and that you do not miss us the way I do.

Happy belated eighteenth.

22/7/08
Tues

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Extracted from here

My dear Easter Egg,

What a pity that the last time we took a photo together was when we were 12.

March 2003.

That was five years ago, in another school, and, to you, in another country, in an entirely different timeframe.

I am still stuck here, not exactly happy with where our - my - country is turning to, whining and complaining but still loving all the little flaws.

Bet you're having a great time there eh? Over here it isn't that bad, there are times when I feel lost, when I don't know myself anymore, when I've been living excessively behind the protective mask I wear every second.

Need to shed that angel mask, I know I have to, but I don't know how. And I don't have the courage to...




Remember this teddy? I know you do.

I can even imagine that unique voice of yours now, your tall height beside me, "Oh my God, I can't believe you still kept this!"

Yeah. I don't believe it either.

I have every reason to throw it away. For example, it's space-consuming. For example, it collects dust. For example, I have no use of it. For example, I'm too lazy to take care of it. For example...

I just mended it a few days before. It's left arm and arse.

As I sewed in and out I thought of how we spent our childhood together, how, that if we hadn't made that choice, we wouldn't meet each other, and our lives will be so, so very different right now.

We would not be able to meet the people we meet, see the things we see, think the way we think.

Life is simply amazing.

I have no reason to keep it. But I still do.

Because it contains all the childish memories we have together.

Happy belated birthday.

Love, Win Zee.

p/s Haunt me.

亲爱的你：

你好。知道我是谁吗？我是那矮矮的图书馆管理员，在班上笑得最大声的那一个。对，就是那个，不用指指点点。
这是封很公开的信，算是情信吧，不过说是告白信比较正确。

嗯，我们不是朋友。我们之间只是同学。同班了四年，却连朋友也当不了。真的很可悲呵。

初中一时，我只顾着看你隔壁的男生。那段恋情－暗恋－维持几个月而已，因为他说了一句话，撤澈底底地侮辱了我。那时，心简直碎了，像玻璃，好像全世界都知道，可是漠不关心。

第二年，我竟然，没有理由的，喜欢上你了。我喜欢你的磁性声音、你的内双眼皮凤眼、你那性感的唇、你那很有安全感的身材。更多的是，我喜欢的，就是你。不过，你和那个性格很酷的女生成了男女朋友。我想，她爱的人，表面上和我一样，但事实上她爱的，是真正的你吧。

15岁的我，除了忙着准备初中评估考试，也忙着喜欢你。可能是爱，也可能只是对你有强烈的好感而已，单单为了这问题我挣扎了许久，得到的答案，是没有答案。

朋友们不知道我暗恋着你，但我知道她们不喜欢你。为什么？你可能会问。我也不知道啊。不过，我还是义无反顾地天天梦见你。梦可以简单地好像我不小心碰到你的手，也可以复杂得好像有了一夜情。

如果我对你的感情只是好像一夜情，那该多好。我们在那一瞬间亲密地结合，发泄自己的欲望和不满，第二天就把你的存在忘得一干二净。这样我不需要在爱与不爱、喜欢与不喜欢的边缘忘情地徘徊。

后来，我们又被编排在同一班，而你就坐在我的后面。为此我还高兴了一段时间呵。有一次你玩了我的头发，另一次你很大声地对我喊，能不能借你的书？我惊讶得忘了反应。朋友说我有脸红，是真的吗？也不懂为什么，心里总有一丝丝的开心，当你和我说话时，哪怕只是几秒、几个字、一个点头或摇头而已。

听着许慧欣的《忽然很想你》，我真的想起你了。几年前，我悄悄地把这首歌列为你我的歌，现在，应该还是吧。

高二，我们不再是小孩。听说，你和你那性格很酷的女友又复合了。我无缘无故生闷气，生你的气。别问我为什么；我也分不清我的感情，或许是嫉妒吧。不过，都那么久了，难道……

今年的情人节，我想告诉你，我曾经那么地疯狂地喜欢你、爱你，可能现在还是。可是我说不出口。我想，现在还不是时候。随缘吧！等我不再介意你、可以和你称兄道弟的时候，那才是对的时候。

离2月14日有一个月了，但我还是想告诉你，我是多么地喜欢你。不疯狂，有一种淡淡的感觉，像夫妻。这句话，我可以省略成经典的三个字。

聪明的你，猜到了吗？猜到了，就请来我家亲口告诉我吧，你应该还记得我住在哪里。太远的话，可以在学校告诉我，我就坐在你隔壁的隔壁的后面。

苏菲雅
笔于3月14日

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This was written on March 14th 2007, yes, the date is real. The emotions, well, partly, I guess :P