4our

There she is, walking, but not with me.

She looks as radiant as ever. She is always so calm when she is not talking, but when her face lights up, animates, by that charming smile, she beats the sun hands down.

And it is that lucky bastard cycling beside her who is getting those smiles and attention from her.

Bastard.

*

Here she is, walking, right beside me.

I become self-conscious. Can she hear my heart pacing?

The moment I see her, I feel like bringing her into my arms and hug her tightly, thinking, this is the last I will let you go. Because I have never seen her for ages, it's killing me; because I miss her so badly, it's killing me; because my heart and soul are aching for her, it's killing me.

I don't want to just tell her about my friend's girlfriend, or about school, or about music; nor do I want to just walk beside her like a friend.

But my heart's content got stuck at the base of my throat, and my limbs do not feel like mine, and these are all I can do.

Coward.

*

As he tells me about his friend's girlfriend and his school and music, I listen intently and respond appropriately. But when he pauses, even for a second, my heart and mind fly off to somewhere else far from here.

They fly to where you are.

Can you feel them?

Tell me, my dear: did you mean every single word that you utter to me last night?

I've drowned in the illusions and false hopes you (and I) once gave to me, and it was bitter. And so I took another step backwards from what everyone calls "happiness".

I don't have the courage to march forward.

*

I look up from my work, stretch, and out to the window.

Her beautiful face appears, and I smile.

I hope she is considering. Lord, give me courage to face whatever she will do next. Amen.

I sneeze, and there is a buzz in my heart... Hey, girl, are you thinking of me too?